


seven aprils

by lonelydragons



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Anxiety, Asexual Character, Dream Smp, Drug Use, Fluff, Getting Together, High School, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Karl Jacobs-centric, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, NOT ACTUALLY THAT SAD IM SORRY, Recreational Drug Use, SORRY I HAVE SCHOOL, Slow To Update, Summer, author clearly kins karl, damn shawty gotta finish this fic, i should not have access to this site, im so sorry kekw, karl listens to mitski, karlnap, new kid sapnap, obviously self indulgent, someone needs to take my computer from me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-14 20:33:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29547984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lonelydragons/pseuds/lonelydragons
Summary: April sucks because all that happens is it rains, and you wait for school to be out. You watch the water drip down your window, you listen to the same playlist on repeat. You wake up early just to push up your window and smell the dew. You might wait for the pavement to dry out and ride your bike along the river. Watching your family grin over a birthday or a life. And your best friend will continue to shake rain off his hair and onto your carpet, and you’ll continue to shut yourself inside.Every April is always like this. And Karl hates it. So he and Alex hang around and half-ass assignments, just waiting for something interesting to happen. And boy, oh boy, will something interesting happen. Karl just doesn’t know it yet.--or, sapnap is the new kid.or, the author is a huge karl kinnie.inspired by the song anything by adrienne lenker.
Relationships: Alexis | Quackity & Karl Jacobs & Sapnap, Alexis | Quackity/Jschlatt, Clay | Dream/GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF), Karl Jacobs/Sapnap
Comments: 27
Kudos: 144





	1. staring down the barrel of the hot sun (or, quackity has no personal boundaries)

Karl is an extrovert. Most people think he isn’t, but they can’t see the difference between an introvert and an insecure extrovert. Karl is the type of person who can’t survive without his friends. The minute a call disconnects, or a text goes unanswered, it feels as if he’s burning alive. And he wallows. He’ll wallow in his loneliness for hours until he’s suffocating. And that’s what makes him an extrovert. His connection. His desire for connection. For a community. For love. But when it’s bad, it’s a nightmare. Especially in school.  


Karl isn’t great at school. Well, maybe that’s an understatement. He’s good at it, he just lacks motivation. But Karl wants to go to a good school, have a well paying job, a place to sleep, and a roof over his head. And it’s all resting on his grades and schoolwork. But still, nothing can get him to put effort into school and homework. And that lack of work leaves plenty of time for other things. Like minecraft.  


There’s a minecraft server, started by a decently popular guy in his grade named Clay. There are 33 people on the server, including Karl and Alex. They mainly just fuck around, and Karl likes to build. He, admittedly, is pretty shit at it, but making cool builds is fun nonetheless. Clay and another guy who’s a freshman like to fight on there a lot. Karl isn’t sure what the kid’s name is. Tom? Tommy? Anyways, Tom-Tommy and Clay are constantly wreaking havoc and stealing from each other on the server.  


It’s around mid-April, and Karl is already ready for school to be over. Being a high school sophomore is hard enough, but Karl has been doing this with really only one friend. Don’t get him wrong though, Alex is the greatest friend to ask for. The energetic, 5’ 8” monster is filled with slightly offensive memes and loud, obnoxious screaming. And at most times, oddly, Roblox. But Karl loves him just the same.  


Ever since Alex moved next door in 3rd grade, they’ve been stuck together ever since. He can still remember the truck pulling up and Alex almost giving him a concussion with his scooter. He can still see ten-year-old Alex, grinning like a maniac, holding a nerf gun as if he’s plotting someone’s murder. The only other friend Karl has, acquaintance, whatever you want to call him, is Jimmy and his crew. Jimmy graduated a couple years ago but when Karl was a freshman he got roped into elaborate pranks and things, trying to get Jimmy famous on YouTube. But they’re long gone, so for now, it’s just Karl and Alex. Always. Karl and Alex.  


Speaking of Alex, he happens to be here.  


“Ayyy, Karlos!”  


Karl, sitting at his PC, unamused, takes his headphones out and turns around. Alex has his head poking into Karl’s bedroom, dripping the warm spring rain onto his carpet. Karl can vaguely hear his music playing from the tinny headphone speakers.  


“Jesus fuck” Karl says, “knock next time, oh my god.”  


Alex pushes open the window and hops on Karl’s bed, shaking his wet hair like a poodle. Karl makes a face at that.  


“Hey, time waits for no man, especially not a bitch like me” Alex shrugs unapologetically.  


“Dude,” Karl huffs, “you suck.”  


But he smiles, and Alex smiles back, warming him to the core. And then Alex is hopping into the seat next to Karl, looking over his shoulder at his idle PC screen.  


“Dude, playing Minecraft without me?” Alex pouts. “Not cool man.”  


Karl snorts. “As if I wouldn’t be carrying you the whole time anyways. Lazy ass.”  


But Karl plays with him anyways, tapping away at the keys, screaming curse words and dissolving into fits of giggles.  


Minutes stretch like taffy. Hours feel like a lifetime. It’s interesting, Karl thinks, how the hell have we survived this long? How do we manage to exist? It’s gotta be April. Maybe it’s the rain. Because they sit in Karl’s room for hours and hours and somehow don’t get tired or sick.  


Karl forgets, momentarily, about Minecraft, because he can only focus on the day. In the moment. He can only focus on how he has spent the past seven years of his life like this. Seven Aprils. Just him and Alex, riding their emotions like waves. Everything shifting in the tides of time. Everything shifts with the seasons. People come and go, words flow through them, the world revolves. Seasons shift. And yet. It feels like him and Alex are sitting on his bed in the eye of a storm, because all they do is feel.  


And then they go. Alex races outside, leaving the front door wide open, letting the mist from the storm inside. Karl sprints into the warm rain, kicking off his shoes, feeling the water soak through his t-shirt. Alex whoops and Karl couldn’t ask for anything more. Alex does a cartwheel and Karl managed to catch it on video, cackling. Definitely a keeper. He can feel water dripping down his back. He feels it falling into his mouth. It’s pure euphoria, liquified. Breaking the tension and the stress and breaking you. And all that Karl needs is a little breaking.  


April sucks because all that happens is it rains, and you wait for school to be out. You watch the water drip down your window, you listen to the same playlist on repeat. You wake up early just to push up your window and smell the dew. You might wait for the pavement to dry out and ride your bike along the river. Watching your family grin over a birthday or a life. And your best friend will continue to shake rain off his hair and onto your carpet, and you’ll continue to shut yourself inside.  


Every April is always like this. And Karl hates it. So he and Alex hang around and half-ass assignments, just waiting for something interesting to happen. And boy, oh boy, will something interesting happen. Karl just doesn’t know it yet.


	2. shining with the sheen of a shotgun (or, karl and quackity stare at people)

tuesday.

If Karl’s honest, high school cafeterias never get old. People are constantly looking, waiting. The rumble of a consistent chatter echoes around the room and through everyone’s ears. School royalty sits on the left corner of the main cafeteria. They always sit there, always have.

That is something that’s different about Karl’s school. For some reason, his school completely goes against adolescent stereotypes, because to most people’s surprise, the popular kids are nice. He knows. Crazy. Clay is the king of the school. Well, less a king, more like a knight. Clay is the most popular, but he worships his boyfriend George like a king. So, by default, Karl thinks, Clay is a loyal knight serving the glorious king George. Karl sees them, talking in the corner. And he just notices them.

Not to sound creepy, but Karl likes to watch people. It’s what he does. Well, maybe it’s a little creepy. He’s a people-watcher. So a high school cafeteria is a perfect perch for him. He sits and listens to music and drinks his energy drink and just looks. He knows. He sees people in their element. The pink haired girl listening to her friend play Flatsound on his guitar in the hall. The ever-obnoxious Tom-Tommy bantering with people loudly while his patient best friend smiles from the sidelines. The tall freshman who wears a face mask to hide himself, drowning in a black hoodie and disappearing into a book. Karl just wished he could see himself like he sees other people.

With a resounding smack, Alex throws down about half his coursework just inches from where Karl is trying to eat lunch. Key word trying. And lunch meaning a Monster Energy drink.

“I am so fucking done with school,” Alex says, “I am literally ready to rip my eyeballs out.”

Karl stares at him for a moment, swallowing, before saying, “Good thing there’s only like three weeks left then.”

Alex groans. “Three weeks my ass. Three weeks is a lifetime.”

“If three weeks is a lifetime, imagine what summer break will feel like.”

“Heaven?”

“Something like that, yeah.”

Pulling an apple out of his bag, Alex hums. Karl looks over in the direction where Alex is staring. He’s noticed that sometimes Alex people-watches too. But Alex’s fashion is more selective and… inquisitive. Alex’s line of vision is currently directed out the window. It’s directed at a pair of what looks like a senior and a junior, a boy and a girl. They’re passing a soda between them and talking animatedly. The girl is loud and laughs a lot. Karl thinks he can practically hear her infectious laugh in his mind.

Alex smiles wistfully and Karl can see why he likes the pair. They give off the perfect energy, kind of like two wild animals circling each other. The guy seems to notice them staring and twists his head around, making eye contact with Alex and nodding, before going back to his friend. Alex looks a little startled, and Karl thinks he sees the smallest trace of blush on the others cheeks. But Karl knows not to pry, at least not now. Not yet.

Clearing his throat, Alex starts,

“Hey, did you finish that reading for Phil?”

“No,” Karl says. “I’ve been waterlogged with my paper on soviet political thought. As if either of us will do any of those assignments anyways though.”

Karl chuckles. Again, school.

“Why do you ask? It’s not like Phil is going to lower our grade if I don’t do it.”

Alex takes a minute to respond, chewing on his apple and stretching out.

“No reason, I just figured if you already did it, I could leech notes off you.” Karl almost laughs.

“High expectations, man. As if.”

And they breathe together and keep looking.

\--

friday.

Karl’s locker gets slammed shut. He barely has the chance to pull his hands away from the slapping metal.

“Karlos,” Alex breathes. “I have news.”

Karl would be intrigued if he didn’t just almost get his fingers cut off by his locker. He begins walking to his next class, Alex trailing next to him.

“I would care about your news if you cared about my fingers.” Karl deadpans. Alex is taking two steps for every one Karl takes, and is slightly out of breath.

“Do you remember the guy I was staring at the other day during lunch? The tall guy with the facial hair and the weed?

Karl does remember, now realizing it must have just been the senior, not the junior girl Alex was watching. He does wonder how Alex realized Karl was watching him watch people. He thought he was decently discreet about it. Alex continues on.

“I know you saw them too. Anyways his name is Schlatt, people call him by his last name and that girl was Minx and they’re both cool and I’ve seen Schlatt around for a while now and I’ve heard a lot about him so I’ve been watching from afar.” Alex takes a deep breath, continuing.

“Anyways yesterday after school when you were walking home I had to go back to the biology labs for a textbook and when I was coming outside it has started raining again,”

Karl can picture that clearly. The forecast didn’t say rain, and Karl’s converse got soaked through while he was walking home. Unpleasant to say the least.

“And there he was!” Alex beams. “Getting into his car, seeing me about to walk home in the rain.”

“Oh my god he totally offered to drive you home, didn’t he?” Karl widens his eyes.

“Yes! And he was all like ‘we wouldn’t want you out in the rain like this, now would we.’ And he was so nice, and his car was so clean, and it smells like weed which makes sense given who he is and I got a ride home with Schlatt!”

Karl thinks this is an interesting development. He vaguely wonders if Alex has ever explicitly come out as anything, and honestly can’t remember.

Karl talks quietly. “So what, do you have feelings for him?” Alex huffs.

“I’m honestly not sure. I mean, I’m assuming that what I feel is somewhat romantic but right now it's just an attraction because I don’t really know him as a person but he has my number so hopefully that will go somewhere.”

“Dude,” Karl says, “I’m really happy for you. I hope it works out.”

Alex looks like he’ll never stop smiling. And some of that leaks onto Karl.

\---

saturday.

Karl gets woken up early. Far too early for his liking. And getting woken up at seven am on a Saturday because there is a stranger sticking his head though your window with his feet on the ladder is far too much for Karl. He groans, and turns over, praying this is all a bad dream.

“Hey buddy,” the stranger barks. “Alex is getting food and he told me to get your ass out of bed. Be outside in ten.” 

And the stranger disappears from view, climbing down the ladder.

Karl, still processing what just happened, blearily throws on shorts and a hoodie and shoves his feet into his converse. He splashes water on his face in the bathroom sink to wake himself up. He still barely knows what’s going on. Karl leaves a rushed note to his parents pinned to the fridge and bounds down the porch steps. Alex grins and hands him an iced coffee.

“Hola my friend.”

Karl glares and takes the coffee halfheartedly. He would normally be asleep right now, hiding under his covers. He looks over at the stranger who Karl now realizes is Schlatt. The Schlatt. 

“So,” Schlatt clears his throat. “This twink is Karl?” Schlatt continues to munch on his Cheetos, unaware or how rude he was.

“Yep! Karl Jacobs. And no, not a twink. At least I don't think so.” Karl smiles widely, trying to ignore how annoying Schlatt is.

Alex looks pained, like he’s trying not to laugh and cry at the same time. Karl feels a bit like a third wheel.

“So where are we headed? I love how you told me before dragging me out of my own house at 7 am on a Saturday.”

“We,” Alex starts. “Are going to the county fair! Get out of the house, take advantage of the sun, maybe forget about school for a while.”

Trying to recall whether counties exist anymore, and if so, what county they’re in, Karl stares blankly.

“I didn’t know we had those around here. We driving?”

Schlatt looks at him pointedly because they’ve stopped and Karl didn’t even notice. Schlatt’s car is a black Audi, pretty much the exact opposite of what Karl expected. It’s sleek and clearly new and expensive. It does, in fact, smell faintly of pot. Karl can’t help but gape a little. He’s never really been a car guy but he can at least tell when straight up money is sitting right in front of him.

They drive, sipping their coffee and nodding along to Rex Orange County. Countrysides and forests speed past and blend into the background. Huge white clouds float like cotton candy. Karl loves driving. Or sitting in cars while someone else drives. He loves being able to listen to his music at full volume, windows down. It feels like flying. It makes him feel invincible.

Schlatt taps his hand on the steering wheel, with Alex singing along off-key. Horrible but somehow perfect. And Karl has no clue where they are.

“You know,” Schlatt begins. “My aunt and cousins are moving into town next month. Should be interesting.”

Karl gets startled out of his thoughts. “We haven’t had a new kid in a while, right?”

Making eye contact with Alex in the rearview mirror and smiling, Alex speaks.

“Yeah, I think the last kid was a couple years ago? He joined when we were still in middle school. Noah? Noah Brown? Something like that. He’s in our year.”

Schlatt and Karl nod at this. But Karl is still wondering about Schlatt’s cousin.

“Hey Schlatt, is your cousin in our year?” Karl asks this tentatively, not wanting to come off as creepy.

“Nah, he’s a Junior. He’ll be a senior next year when I’m off at Harvard. His name is Nick, if either of you care.”

Karl nods, looking back out the window.

Maybe the summer will bring something new. Something better.


	3. hanging your jeans with a clothespin (or, karl is a cockblock)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> why did 200 people wanna read this absolute trash KEKW
> 
> **trigger warning for panic attack and minor self-harm**

wednesday. (three weeks later.)

For the first time in weeks, Karl has nothing to do. School is out, the minecraft server is dormant because everyone is outside, and Karl has already exhausted his summer playlist.  
Since classes ended a couple of weeks ago, Karl has been more or less integrated into Schlatt’s friend group. Well, It’s complicated because not everyone is friends but everyone knows someone who knows someone and eventually they all end up hanging out. Minx is friends with the pink-haired girl, Niki, and Niki’s guitar friend Wilbur hangs around, and Wilbur drags along Tom-Tommy and his friend and eventually everyone is just there.

So maybe over the past few weeks Karl has accumulated a friend group of some sort. Or maybe they’re just a bunch of people who aren’t friends but who all hang out. Either way, it’s nice. Really nice.

So, Karl is bored. And kind of sad. He misses his friends. His parents are both out, and he’s got the A/C on full blast. He walks down to the kitchen to find something to eat and because they don't have the five singular things he likes in the fridge, therefore there is no food in the entire house. He wanders around, opening and closing the fridge a couple times, trying to find something to eat or do. Because he eats when he’s bored. Sue him. 

Maybe he should go see Alex. Karl isn’t sure if he’s home but maybe it’s worth a shot. He doesn't bother putting shoes on and just walks out his back door and opens the gate that connects his backyard and Alex’s. 

Walking up Alex’s back steps, he pushes open the screen door and ventures into Alex’s kitchen.

“Alex? Mrs. Q? Hello?” 

He knocks on the wood panels next to the door, but no one answers. No one must be home. Karl sighs and walks back through the gate to his own house. He trudges up the stairs to his room and flops down on his bed, plugging his phone into it’s charger. And, he calls Alex. It rings for a little, and rings some more, but no one picks up. Okay.

Maybe he could text Schlatt, he might know where Alex is, and if he doesn’t maybe Schlatt would come over. Karl opens up his instagram, scrolling through his dms until he finds his conversation with Schlatt. He sits, up typing out his message. Just a simple ‘hey, have you seen alex today?’ sent, delivered, read. Karl waits for the little typing bubble to pop up, but nothing comes. Weird. Schlatt probably doesn't want to talk to him. And that’s totally fine.

Going into the discord server that most people in Schlatt’s group are in, he goes to general. He likes to talk in a server because there’s less intimacy. He isn’t sending a message to one particular person, and more people have a chance to respond. There isn’t the pressure and stress of a private dm. 

‘Hey, is anyone free/wanna come over and hang for a bit?’

He figures it might take a minute for people to see it or check discord so he exits the app, hopefully waiting for a response. He feels a bit empty. Alone. 

Tiktok passes the time. Scrolling, seeing pretty boys that make him want to cry because he isn’t them. Pretty girls that make him want to cry because he isn’t half as pretty as them. Don’t get him wrong, it isn’t gender envy. He just wants to be pretty too. And fit, smart whatever. Just not himself.

He pushes himself up, shaking himself rid of the thoughts. But they’re still there, taking over every part of his brain like a fog.

I can’t do it. I can’t be thinking like this. 

He feels his hands curling around the fat in his arms, his nails digging in.

Stop it. Stop thinking like this. You’re a month clean. Just stop stop STOP. Alex is just busy. Schlatt doesn’t hate you. The discord group just has better things to do than be talking to you. Poor, poor you. Fuck. STOP.

Karl doesn’t feel the tears well up but now they’re running silently down his face, dripping onto his hoodie. He gasps, taking a shaky breath. His arms sting, pulling his hands away. There’s blood. Just a little, but deep enough to show tomorrow. He sighs, still trying not to push himself over the edge and cry more than he already has.

Feet stepping on the cold floor, he walks to his bathroom numbly. Staring into the mirror, he’s disgusted. He looks awful. His hair is messed up and his eyes and nose are red. And that sight makes him cry a little more. He forces his vision away from his reflection and carefully washes his arms of the small but fresh grooves. Drying his eyes pointlessly, he walks back and slumps into his chair at his PC. Powering it on and loading up Spotify, he decides to go on the minecraft server. The Dream SMP. There is a high chance that people didn’t see his discord message because they were in game. So maybe he can get some form of connection there.

He shuffles his playlist that purely contains Sufjan Stevens and Mitski, forcing tears not to fall again. He stares at his reflection in the Mojang loading screen and tabs into the server. ‘KarlJacobs joined the game’. He presses the tab button to see who’s online. Noah’s username is the only one to pop up. FoolishG. Well. Turns out people were just ignoring him then. How perfect.  
He exits the game before he bursts into tears again, with Francis Forever playing through his headset, fading into his mind. And all he does is cry.

\---

thursday. 

Karl doesn’t want a repeat of yesterday. But, he still goes over to Alex’s house again. Just to see if he’s there. Maybe cure some of Karl’s extrovert loneliness. This time, he doesn’t bother to be cautious. 

He shakes off his flip flops at the door, and bounds up the stairs, looking for Alex. Alex’s brother passes him in the hall, nodding hello. Karl waves.  
He opens Alex’s door, kind of bursting in.

“ALEX! Do you want to--”

He stops short, because Alex is home. And so is Schlatt. They look so intertwined in each other, Alex in Schlatt’s lap, something playing on Alex’s laptop. At the noise of Karl barging in. they kind of let go of each other, forgetting to pause their show.

“H-hey man, listen-” Alex starts, but Karl doesn’t let him finish

“Oh my god I’m so sorry I’ll let you guys be Alex I’m so sorry.” And Karl rushes out. He trips over himself rushing down the stairs and just barely manages to brace his fall, continuing as fast as he can out the door and into his own house.

He feels selfish. Alex is allowed to have friends other than him. Alex is allowed to have a boyfriend. Why should he make more time for Karl than for others? He shouldn't. Karl doesn’t get to spend more time with people just because he gets sad when he’s alone. That isn’t fair to everyone else. But he didn’t know. Alex never told him that he and Schlatt were together, even if he had suspected.

He walks into his room, hiding under his covers, on his phone, attempting to drown his feelings in Mitski. Why Didn’t You Stop Me, I Bet on Losing Dogs, Class of 2013, Strawberry Blond, Old Friend.

White flashes in his eyes because Alex has just appeared, pulling the covers off Karl’s face.

“Hey, guapito. How ya doing?”

Karl moves over, letting Alex sit down. 

“Fine I guess? It’s really whatever.”

Alex slips off his shoes and curls his feet up on Karl’s bed. Something catches Alex’s eye, and he turns more toward Karl, lifting the covers gently to show Karl’s arm. Alex pulls away, expressionless.

“Did you relapse?”

Karl doesn’t really know what to say. Not really, but in some way, yes. He just looks away. He doesn’t want Alex to feel responsible. The only person at fault here is Karl.

“I- Karl, I’m sorry. I’ve been neglecting you lately, spending all my time with Schlatt. And it wasn’t fair to you. I should have told you that we were together, or at least invited you along sometimes. I’ll try harder, I promise.”

Karl sniffles a little, falling into Alex’s arms. He feels the warm embrace of comfort just from Alex being there.

“Do you wanna invite Schlatt and Minx over and maybe watch something? I told Schlatt to go home but I’m sure he’d be happy to come back.”

Karl thinks for a minute but eventually shakes his head. The combination of Alex, Schlatt, and Minx would be far too much for Karl right now. 

“Okay,” Alex thinks. “Well, there’s a party tonight. At Clay’s. His parents are visiting his sister at her sleepaway camp, so he’s got the house, pool, and hot tub to himself. And he’s opening it up to the whole gang.”

Maybe it would be good to get out of the house. Talk to people in person. Take a deep breath of the summer evening. Light up something in himself.

“Okay. I’ll come. But you can’t just ignore me the whole time.”

Alex gapes in mock offense. 

“I could never.”

And Karl smiles, just a little

\---

It’s 9 pm. Alex said he and Schlatt would come pick him up at 9:30. And Karl still isn’t dressed or anything. He looks a mess. Groaning, he gets up and plugs his phone in, hoping to reach full charge before he leaves. 

Karl opens up his spotify pulling up A Fever You Can’t Sweat Out, and hitting play on Lying Is The Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off. Nodding along to the beat, he pulls out his white polo shirt from his dresser and throws it on. He ventures deeper into the abyss that is his closet looking for the perfect sweater. He finds a nice, striped, knit thing. He layers it over the polo, pulling the collar out. He steps in front of his mirror, looking at his jeans, figuring they go decently with the rest of his outfit.  
Rooting around in his cup of pens, he pulls out his eyeliner. Karl leans in towards the mirror to get a better look, and uncaps the pen of makeup. He’s trying so hard not to stab his own eye out and carefully draws a line under his eye and a little flare out. And then he does his other eye, and smudges it with his fingers. His reflection hates him so he forces his gaze away.

Where’s his phone? Charging, and now in his pocket. Where’s Alex? Almost here, according to the snapmap. Next, he walks out his door, and while he waits for his friends he sits. But Karl barely has to sit for long before Schlatt’s car pulls up, Alex in the passenger's seat.

“Hiya! Hop in the back!” Alex says as he rolls down his window.

Karl nods and steps in. The car speeds off, and he completely zones out.

By the time Karl can come back to reality, the car is parked and they’re outside Clay’s house. How do people walk again? Right. One foot in front of the other. Walk. Take steps.  


As he walks into the backyard and pool area, people are scattered everywhere. Fundy, Niki, and Jack are sitting with their feet dangling in the pool, with Schlatt, Alex, and Minx on the pool chairs behind them. The other side of the pool holds Ponk, Sam, Alyssa, and Puffy, seeming to be drunk and sitting in a circle, like a cult. Wandering inside, where most of the noise is, Karl looks for other people. Basket Case by Green day blasts on the surround sound, but the inside of the house is loud and packed. Wilbur is sitting on the inside carpeted stairs, Techno above him and Tommy below him. Wilbur and Tommy are animatedly arguing about something, louder than Karl can comprehend. Techno just looks unamused. Tall scary freshman and Tommy’s best friend are on the couch, showing each other things on their phones. Bad and Skeppy are sitting in the hallway, feet up, and looking like they’re about to fall asleep. As Karl continues through the house, there’s a group of people playing blackjack at the dining table, including a tall, extremely drunk man with a plastic crown.  


Karl wants a soda. An energy drink. Everyone here is either drunk or stoned and Karl doesn’t particularly want to do that, especially with his antidepressants. He wanders into the kitchen but there are people there. Clay and George are sitting on one counter, and Punz and someone Karl’s never seen before are on the kitchen island. Clay is smoking a blunt, and the rest of them have red solo cups in their hands or on the counter.

Stepping over trash on the floor, Karl walks into the room, and they look at him. 

“Clay do you have any monster energy here?”

Clay hops off the counter as he passes his blunt to his boyfriend. 

“Yep. I have white, pink, and the original. Take your pick.”

“Thanks.”

Karl grabs the fridge door from Clay and pulls out a white monster. 

“Karl, this is my neighbor Nick. He just moved in.” Clay nods at the stranger, Nick, with his blunt. Oh. Schlatt’s cousin.

“Karl. Schlatt’s cousin, right?” Karl stretches out a hand, and Nick shakes it.

“Mhm. You know him?”

“Yup. He’s dating my best friend.”

Nick nods appreciatively. Karl stands there awkwardly, and eventually decides to circle back around. Walking out the double glass doors, he steps over Fundy and Niki staring at the stars, and makes his way over to Alex and Schlatt, who he now notices are… otherwise occupied. Karl shudders. He wanders back inside to see if he can hang out with Wilbur and Techno. But, they are clearly high out of their minds, staring at the wall and laughing at each other. Karl shifts his monster into his other hand and steps around them and ventures up the stairs. 

He looks down the hall, and there are three rooms. Walking into the one that seems to be Clay’s, he sits on the floor, next to his bed. Karl pulls his phone out and scrolls through his Instagram feed. Jimmy is flying somewhere with his family, and his brother-in-law released a song with his band, Fox Academy. Maybe Karl should give it a listen.

Spotify opens when he clicks the link, and Popeyes Bag by Fox Academy plays from his little phone speakers. His little space to calm down is now occupied, as Clay and George opened the door, all over each other. George utters out a little ‘C-Clay..” and Karl almost gags. He is… somewhere on the asexual spectrum, but either way he doesn’t want to be here. Clay seems to notice him and puts his hand on George’s chest.

“George. There’s someone in here. Stop for a minute.”

George whines, pulling at Clay’s lip with his teeth.

“S-sorry. I’ll get out now.” Karl stutters and leaves as soon as he can, going to the room across the hall. Fox Academy is still playing from his phone and Karl feels himself beginning to cry. Letting out all the pent up stress from the past month, he sits and cries in the dark of Clay’s sister’s room. 

But then, there is a slice of light coming through the door and someone comes in cautiously. Karl can’t really see who it is but then the voice starts talking.

“Karl, right?”

And everything collapses because it’s Nick. Schlatt’s cousin. Clay’s neighbor. A complete stranger.

Karl sniffles and Nick asks him if he’s alright. Karl nods and Nick just talks. Somehow Nick knows and just talks about his day and Suddenly everything is ok again. 

“Thanks for talking to me. You’re pretty cool.” Karl whispers.

“No problem, man. We’ve all been there.”

Karl pulls himself off the floor and dusts off his jeans. 

“You want my number? We can keep in touch this way instead of through Schlatt and Clay.”

Fuck. Fuck. Why did Karl say that? Why did he say that? Nick hates him. Oh my god.

“Sure.” 

In the dim lights of Clay’s bedroom, Nick smiles.

Nick smiles.


	4. skin still wet, still on my skin (or, the author projects onto karl wohoo)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry i didnt update :( schools been kicking me in the ass lately.  
> hope you feral maniacs enjoy this chapter  
> <3

July physically hurts him. Hitting highs of 98º in his hometown, Karl is about ready to shrivel up from heat exhaustion. It seems like when you have friends and it's hot as hell outside, your parents seem to disappear. Karl probably hasn’t thought about his parents in, like, weeks. Other than meals and family gatherings. His household kind of all disperses in the summer though. His dad, the workaholic is working, either for his job or in their backyard garden, his mom… god knows what she does all summer. And as for his siblings, they hang out with their friends and significant others and spend time with Karl some nights and send him inexplicable snapchats at weird hours.

So, Karl is mostly with his friends. The group mixes around, but it’s mostly people hanging out at Clay’s place, Schlatt’s place, or Alex’s house. Today the people that were free and around are Clay, Nick, the tall freshman (Karl now knows his name, it’s Ranboo), Bad, and himself. An interesting group. They had planned on going to Clay’s house and just fucking off, maybe play Monopoly or something. But, Bad had dipped last minute and Ranboo had family plans so it looked like it would just be Karl, Nick, and Clay.

Karl pulls up to Clay's house in his barely used car, shining in the glare of the sun. He can hear Nick and Clay already inside listening to some shitty top 40 rap music. He would be changing that as soon as possible.  
He pushes open the back door, yelling.

“I’m here, bitches. I’m here and this music is unacceptable and I will be changing it.”

Nick and Clay laugh from their seats at the kitchen island. 

“Oh my god.” Clay whispers, amused.

The first thing Karl does it snatch Clay's phone, opening it and pulling up his Spotify. He goes from Clay's friend list to find Karl’s own playlists. He puts on Panic! At The Disco. Of course. Nick groans lightheartedly. 

“Panic again? I mean, I like it but really?”

Karl is offended and huffs.

“Well you should be glad you’re friends with someone with this great of a music taste. You’re lucky enough to know me and that should be enough for you.”

Nick snorts. 

“Of course.”

“Wait,” Clay says. “How did you get into my phone?”

Karl snickers and stares. 

“Maybe you should change your password to something other than your boyfriend’s birthday. It couldn’t be more basic.”

Clay scoffs.

Nick opens the freezer, completely uninvited, and takes out a tub of ice cream. 

“What flavor is that?” Clay says loudly.

“Read it yourself, asshole.”

“YOUR HAND IS COVERING IT.”

Nick just laughs and just walks away, to the stairs.

“Karl, grab the speakers and that plastic baggie would ya?”

“Yep.” Karl nods and picks up both items, following behind Clay to his room. The bag has blunts in it. Probably because Nick and Clay are too lazy to do it themselves. 

Now in the light, Karl can see Clay's room better. One wall is full glass, and he’s got a queen size bed in one corner. His PC is in another corner with a bulletin board behind it, and green LEDs lighting the underside of his desk. The bulletin board has photos of his family, of him and George last year at Halloween. George was a fairy and Clay was a knight. Fitting, right? A photo of Clay, George and Nick at disney world a couple weeks ago. And up in the corner of the board, Karl sees a series of polaroids, all from this summer so far. 

The neat line of photos starts with Niki and Fundy, where Niki’s pink hair is highlighted by the flash and she’s grinning next to a completely wasted Fundy. Fundy fell in the pool that night. The next one is of Clay and Techno, both with various bruises, their arms around each other. Techno has a huge grin on his face and Clay is throwing up a peace sign. They had just had a completely out of control fistfight over something stupid and were laughing half an hour later. Karl smiles to himself, recalling the memory. He moves on to the one of Skeppy holding his extensive collection of used puffbars. Callahan had snatched an orange one that was unused and scampered off to another corner of the house. A blurry shot of a caught-in-the-act Schlatt and Alex, where Alex is blushing and throwing up a messy peace sign and Schlatt is flipping off the camera. And the last photo. Karl, sitting on Nick's shoulders, grinning like a maniac. That day they (not Karl) had gotten absolutely wasted at two pm and decided to play frisbee. Frisbee. And eventually it went on the roof and Karl and Nick worked together to get it back. The photo was poorly taken and you can obviously tell that whoever was behind the camera was intoxicated. But Karl loves it just the same.

“Karl? You good?”

“Yep!” Karl throws the bag to Nick. 

Clay pulls a lighter from his pocket and lights a blunt, and the flame sparks in Karl’s eyes. Clay is sitting with his back to the legs of his bed, sneakers off. Nick and Karl are facing him, leaning against the wall.  
Smoke fills the area as Clay takes a hit, sighing. Nick snatches it from him and inhales, blowing out the smoke playfully at Karl. He giggles.

Karl loves his friends. He really does. They make him feel something. They make him feel. And for the first time, Karl properly feels like he belongs.

They swim in time, shimmering and smooth. It feels like a dream, one where you’ve lost and gained awareness at the same time. Karl floats. Clouds are in them, with them, around them. They are euphoria. Karl has completely disconnected from his body. He’s not even high and he can’t even imagine how Nick and Clay feel right now. Just being with your friends, your people. Just being.

\--- 

Karl’s home now. Being honest, he loves to hang out with the now dubbed ‘Dream Team’, Clay, Nick, and George. Their dynamic is just so smooth. He smiles to himself as he slips off his shoes on the mattress. 

“Karl? Is that you?”

His mom calls him from the kitchen. Karl slides over to where she is, opening up a cupboard and digging around for a cup. 

“Hi. What’s for dinner?”  
She looks over from her perch in front of the stove. 

“Nothing crazy, just pasta. Pass me the salt, would you?”

Karl sets his cup down and hands her the jar full of salt. 

Over the course of the next half an hour Karl helps his mom cook, bringing her various ingredients and setting the table. At some point his younger brother Sean wanders down, looking for snacks but instead gets roped into dinner prep. 

“Corry is coming for dinner, right?” Sean says as he hops onto the counter.

Karl’s mom swats Sean with a dishtowel, trying to get him off the counter as she’s cooking.

Corry is Karl’s older sister. She’s all married and moved out by now. He hasn't seen her in a while because she’s been off with her husband on tour for his band, Fox Academy.

“Wait,” Karl says, faking a gasp. “Why did no one tell me Corry was coming? Insulted.”

His mom cracks a smile.

“Well, you’ve been spending all your time doing god-knows-what with Clay and Schlatt and whoever else you see. You’re barely home anymore, and even when you are you just hole yourself up in your room. Don’t blame us.”

He opens up his phone, deciding to pick a fight with Corry instead. 

from kj: why didnt you tell me you were coming over? jerk

to kj: lmao what are you actually upset

from kj: no. glad youre coming tho :)

to kj: yeah im just pulling up to the house

from kj: hey dont text and drive >:(

to kj: smh

At that precise moment, as Karl is shoving his phone back into his pocket, the doorbell rings. Karl hears his mom ask Sean to get his dad from his office. As his brother shuffles up the stairs, Karl twists the doorknob, coming face-to-face with his sister.

“Hey!”

Karl can’t help but grin as his sister pulls him into a hug.

“Jeez, Cor, let me breathe.” He giggles.

She steps inside, toeing off her flats and hanging her coat in the closet. Corry walks into the kitchen, hugging their mom from behind and chattering excitedly. Their dad walks down the stairs, Sean trailing behind.  
Corry gets hugs all around, and they sit for dinner. Before she’s barely eaten a thing, the questions begin.

“So, Karl,” Corry says, swallowing. “What have you been doing all summer?”

He wipes his hands on his napkin.

“Um- hanging out with friends, mostly. Alex and the gang, you know.”

His sister’s eyes sparkle. 

“No, I don’t know. Since when have you had friends other than Alex?”

Karl gasps in mock offense. How rude of her.

“Excuse me, I have plenty of friends. Uh- this gang is like Clay, George, Alex, Schlatt, Schlatt’s cousin, and literally everyone else that’s a mutual of them. Pretty chaotic. It’s good to have Alex as a constant though.”

“Speaking of Alex..”

“No.”

She whines. 

“Are you seriously not dating yet?”

Karl chokes. 

“W-what? What the honk? No. Ew. No. He- No. He’s with Schlatt. No.”

Sean snickers from the other side of the table. Karl sighs, slightly fed up with his siblings' antics. 

/Ding-dong./

Karl’s mom gets up to answer the door, rounding the corner.

“I wonder who that could be at this hour.” Karl’s dad mumbles with a furrowed brow. 

There are voices from the other room, faint and hushed by the walls. Karl continues eating, oblivious. 

Footsteps approach from the mudroom, and Karl’s mom appears in the kitchen. Behind her trails… Nick?

Karl stands up.

“Nick? What are you…” Karl notices his blocky purple and aqua hoodie in Nick's arms.

“You left your hoodie at Clay's. I figured I'd bring it for you.”

Karl feels his face heat. 

“Here, you can come upstairs for a minute.”

He maneuvers around the dining table and his smirking siblings. Nick follows him to his room, placing the hoodie on Karl’s bed. 

“Y-you didn’t have to come all this way. The drive is long, right?”

Nick smiles.

“Not really. Like, 20 minutes, tops.”

“Okay. Thanks for dropping by.”

“No problem.”

They head downstairs, Karl leading Nick out the front door. He slumps against the closed front door, smiling slightly. And then he realized his whole family was staring at him. His mom is smiling, his dad looks a bit confused, and his siblings are grinning like evil gremlins. Karl groans as he takes his seat at the table again. 

“Nick, huh?” Corry’s eyes twinkle.

“Don’t start.” Karl grumbles.

\---

Dinner is done, the dishes are washing, and his parents are downstairs talking to Corry. Sean is probably talking to friends in his room, and Karl is at his desk. His PC is on, screen light glinting in the mute darkness of his room. He watches his discord icon switch back to idle, his status showing. He loads up minecraft. 

He wants to talk to Alex. Alex is… dating Schlatt, unharmed. He managed to be out and in a thriving relationship and completely, totally okay. Karl wished he had some of that wisdom.  
He opens up his and Alex’s messages and presses the little phone icon in the corner. Alex picks up almost immediately.

“Hey Karl.”

“Hi.”

“Wanna hop on the server?”

Karl hesitates. He’s not sure about how Alex is going to react. His best friend never does anything halfway. Karl has a feeling that once Alex knows what Karl may or may not feel, he’ll devise some plan. And it’ll all come crashing down. 

“Nah… I actually wanted to tell you something and ask you a question? About Schlatt…”

Alex pauses.

“Go ahead.”

Twisting his hoodie strings nervously, Karl begins.

“Um- so how did you know you liked Schlatt? I just. I’m trying to figure some things out. I don't know. I think I like someone but I can't place the feeling.”

He hears Alex tab out of his game, and shuffles his feet.

“Well. Is it Nick? I'm assuming it's Nick. It’s complicated. Every bit of him and every bit of me are connected, right? So before we were dating, I guess, it was like I wanted with every fiber of my body to be connected to him. And now that we’re together, it’s like when I’m not with him, there’s a disconnect. And I love him. I do. Love is messy, It’s chaotic, but at the same time it’s beautiful. I’ve memorized everything about him. The way lights shine off his eyes at night. When it rains, his hair gets a little fluffy and then when we go outside he looks like the happiest person in the world. Rain drips off his face like liquid gold. I think that I am completely and utterly enamored with every single part of him. When he looks at me I feel… warm. It’s like sometimes everything is stagnant and still and cold but when I’m with him it’s different. It’s still stagnant but this time it’s not bad. It’s peaceful. Warm. He’s just so… him”

Karl hums. 

“Yeah.” He thinks.

He thinks of the summer. He thinks of Clay and George. He thinks of the parties. He thinks of all the hours he spends throwing meaningless words back and forth over vc. He thinks of filler time in a filler body until he can finally mean something. He thinks of all the times he and Nick have made eye contact. There’s a spark. There always has been, Karl’s just been too blind to notice it. He faintly wonders if Nick has noticed it too. Karl thinks of his love. It’s an all or nothing kind of love, one where he loves with his whole heart or not at all. And it’s confusing because for the first time in his life, he’s not sure. He’s floating away from reality. And Karl thinks this kind of euphoria can only be the fault of someone he likes. 

Someone he likes a lot.


	5. mango in your mouth, juice dripping (or, beginnings)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yup yup take another chapter you all are getting spoiled ;-;

tuesday. (one month later, august)

Ok. Karl officially has feelings for Nick. He can’t stop thinking about the other man. His thoughts are a tumbling turmoil of Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick. In Walmart, getting food with Alex, he wonders what soda Nick likes. In the library he wonders if Nick reads often. He wonders if Nick plays sports. If Nick can skateboard. He wonders who Nick loves. How Nick loves. He wonders if Nick could love him. But most of all, Karl wants to be loved. 

Everyone deserves to be loved in the way that they need or want. It’s going to be different for everyone, and often it’s hard because of the give and take. It’s a balance. Karl needs more attention and connection to feel loved properly and he wonders if Nick can give it. So many people leave him because they can’t and Karl wants with his whole heart for Nick to be different. He wants Nick to love him in the ways that he needs.

Karl’s love is physical. It latches on to people. It curls at the feet of the bed at night and by the morning you’re tangled in it. And Karl wants. He wants and wants and wants. 

He wants to be able to go into Nick’s room while Nick is playing on his PC. He wants to slump into Nick’s arms and listen to him play Valorant with Punz. Listen to him talk. Listen to him breathe. He wants to be close. He can hear Nick’s voice right now, through the discord, just begging him to get closer. 

“George! Stop hitting me!” George snickers and keeps attacking Nick’s minecraft character with an axe. 

“That’s what you get for killing my dog.”

“IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.”

“How can you accidentally KILL MY DOG?”

“It deserved it…?”

Karl laughs loudly at this. Nick and George have a tendency to fight, all the time, for no reason. He interjects.

“Get him, George!”

“Karl,” Nick whines. “You’re supposed to be on my side. Some fiance you are.”

One day on the server, they had decided to get married. Nick, Karl and Alex. It’s been a long running joke, but they haven’t actually had the ceremony yet. Now, Nick just uses it as leverage in petty arguments. It’s actually pretty funny. It still never fails to make Karl’s stomach flutter. 

“I’m gonna head out before you kill me again, George.” Nick says, disconnecting from the game. ‘Sapnap left the game’.

Karl yawns, realizing he hasn't slept since… yesterday, and hasn’t eaten dinner. 

“You know guys, I might go too, I’m a little tired right now.”

The call sends them off with a chorus and Karl watches as Nick and his profiles disappear from the channel. Karl doesn’t want to leave. He wants to stay with his friends, fading into the background as they yell at eachother. He wants to feel alive. But, he has to learn how to be alone. You can’t properly be with someone until you can learn how to be alone. 

And that’s a skill Karl lacks in full. 

\---

wednesday.

{ He’s in a forest. The forest near his town next to the lake with a big swimming hole. It’s called Shine Rock. One with tall birch trees whose limbs stick out like skeletons. The sun dapples on the mossy forest floor, creating a pattern and color only the natural world could have. Undisturbed air whistles every so slightly through the trees, swishing Karl’s hair. He’s not cold though. He’s perfectly feeling nothing and everything all at once.

Karl feels as if he can breathe for the first time ever. He inhales deeply and smiles. He feels the earth around him, breathing life. Creating life. The earth’s heartbeat, focusing on him and him alone. Except suddenly, he’s not alone.

Nick.

Nick is wearing a white t-shirt with blue jeans, shining a bit and fading into the mist. He looks a bit ethereal in Karl’s mind. 

“Nick?”

“Karl.” Nick smiles.

“It’s strange being back here, with you. I haven’t been here since I was a kid. It’s so different from the city. Tall buildings and dirty air and dirty people. The constant noise and lights and everything at once. Even the way that the earth lives out here is different.The light rising in the morning. The air in your lungs. It feels like a break in my sense of reality. A clean slate.”

Nick hums. 

“Like new beginnings, huh.”

They both stand there for a second, just existing. Feeling just warm enough for comfort. They stay quiet and listen to the birds and trees chattering back and forth, conversing about the weather. 

Nick in the light like this is truly an experience. He shines, like a child born from the sun, from fire. It’s impossible to look away. Karl remembers too well how Nick looks. He’s memorized the cut of his jaw, the little scruff of beard on his chin. The way his hands move, fingers like a melody. He is a constant presence in Karl’s mind, filling up the crevices, threatening to overflow. 

The trees rustle and Karl looks back to where Nick was, but the other boy is gone. He’s left with nothing but a twinkling forest and the mist over the water. }

\---

“Karl? Wake up. Karl.”

He slowly blinks his eyes open, feeling his shoulder being slightly shaken. And he comes face to face with Nick. Not dream-Nick, but real-live-in-the-flesh Nick. They both smile. Nick pauses his game on the xbox.

“Whatimeizzit?” Karl slurs, voice thick with sleep. He fumbles around for his phone and flips it over, looking at the glowing screen. Midnight. It’s midnight? He and Alex drove to Nick’s house at 9 pm. Why is he still here?

Nick seems to notice Karl starting to freak out, and laughs, placing a hand on Karl’s.

“You fell asleep and Alex had to go home, so I said I would be here for you when you wake up.”

Karl nods, then blanches. 

“How am I gonna get home? Alex drove me and it’s too far to walk. Fuck. I don’t even have my car.”

Nick flips off the TV, standing.

“You can stay tonight, if it’s ok with your family. You’re already here and it's already midnight. Why not?”

Now this seems like it could go badly. Karl staying overnight with the guy that he maybe loves? No. What if he has a panic attack? He doesn’t have his meds. Well, he could go one night without them. Maybe he should stay. There’s no way to get home. Calling his parents would wake them up. It’s best to just text them and hope for the best.

“Sure. Fuck it.” Karl nods sleepily, texting his parents and then also rising from the couch.

“Cool,” Nick says. “You can sleep on an air mattress but it might be deflated from when my cousins came. You could also sleep in my room if you’d like. With me. I don’t mind… only if you want...” He trails off awkwardly. 

“Uhm… sure. I don’t- I don’t really care either.” Karl stutters out.

“Cool,” Nick lets out a breath. “Saves the extra sheets and waking my parents by blowing up the air mattress.”

Karl giggles, just a little.

They walk into the kitchen because they’re teenagers and it’s midnight and they’re both hungry. And Nick maybe wants something else. He reaches for the weed. Karl sighs. 

“C-could you not? I just- I don’t love being around it all the time and everyone else is just so engaged in it and maybe we could just hang out normally?” Karl rushes out that last part, afraid of collapsing in on himself. 

Nick frowns.  
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know. I would’ve done it less, maybe even not at all if I’d known. I don't want to make you upset or uncomfortable.”

Karl smiles because he’s just so Nick. Nick is just so Nick.

“Thank you. Means a lot.”

“Of course.”

\---

Arms laden with a bag of m&ms and a tub of oreo ice cream, the two boys made their way up to Nick’s room. 

The first thing Karl sees is the huge Texas flag pinned to Nick’s left wall.

“That- that is the straightest white boy thing I’ve ever seen.” Karl tries not to laugh. Other than that though, Nick’s room is pretty plain. White walls, the flag, a couple photos on the wall. A queen size bed in one corner, and a desk with three monitors on the adjacent wall. 

“Don’t hate,” Nick begins. “Texas is the motherland. Forever and always..”

Karl fake gags. But they both smile after. All in good fun.

“Okay,” Karl says. “What's the plan?”

Nick looks around the room, placing the food on his bedside table. 

“You can change into some old clothes of mine to sleep in, and we can watch something on my laptop if you want.”

Karl blushes at the thought of wearing Nick’s clothes. The other boy grabs a t-shirt and sweatpants and hands them to Karl. 

He points to his left. “Bathroom’s that way.” Karl nods.

Walking to the bathroom, Karl looks at the clothes. A plain orange t-shirt, and grey sweatpants with the Texas Longhorns logo embroidered onto the pocket. 

Karl pushed the bathroom door open, flipping on the light. He wiggles out of his block hoodie and jeans and slips on the clothes Nick gave him. The mirror is a little dirty, reflecting Karl’s sleep-filled eyes back at him. He notices his hair, ruffled from sleeping on the couch. He notices the little heart on his cheek from lying on his drawn-on hand. He notices the old scars, the thin white lines over his arms. Reminders of the person he used to be. Telling him of his old life. Of the old Karl. T-shirts. The bane of his existence. He hides his arms, hoping with all his heart that Nick won’t notice.

When he gets back to Nick’s room, the lights are off and Nick is in his bed and on his phone, the comforter half open. Waiting for Karl.

“Hey.” Karl says, smiling.

“Hi.” Nick puts his phone down. “What do you wanna watch?”

Karl slips next to him, feeling the warmth of the covers and Nick’s body filling the space. He grabs the ice cream.

“I dunno. Whatever you’re watching works.”

“Okay. I’m rewatching Hunter-Hunter if that's good.”

He doesn’t usually watch anime, but lately he’s started. It’s often hard to concentrate on, but Karl tries. Nick hits start on the show.

They watch, passing the ice cream back and forth as it slowly melts from the warmth of the two boys. Karl finds his eyes and mind wandering, not being able to concentrate. Foreign languages often distract him. 

He looks over at Nick who doesn’t seem to be really watching either. There’s a calm quiet about it, the characters speaking quiet Japanese in the background. 

“You have scars…” Nick whispers.

Karl stiffens. His weak point.

“Uhm, yeah. I- I’m not- I don’t do that anymore. I’m okay now.”

“I’m sorry you had to hurt.”

Nick looks up, eyes wandering over Karl’s face, and Karl realizes he’s staring. He quickly looks back to the screen but Nick stops him, hand on Karl’s jaw.

Karl’s eyes flit closed and open again, plastic spoon forgotten on his lap. Nicks hands tangle in Karl’s hair, and they’re inches apart.

Lips, eyes, face, souls, minds, practically touching. Nick makes the first move, sucking in the shared air and pressing his lips softly against Karl’s. His thumb rubs circles on Karl’s neck, creating friction.

Time slows and Karl’s thoughts are a hurricane of questions. Isn’t Nick straight? Why is he kissing me? Does he want me too? Why would he want me? 

It’s liquid, slowing and moving into him. This feeling, it’s nice, but Karl doesn’t want to go any further. He pulls away, lips red.

“I- I thought you were straight?” Karl whispers into the warm, shared, air.

Nick smiles, pushing his forehead onto Karl’s. 

“Not for you. Not in a million years.”

Rolling over, Karl leans into Nick’s touch. 

“Why,” Karl whispers, “Why would you want me?”

“Because,” Nick states simply. “You’re you.”

Karl hums. 

“I won’t have sex with you.”

Nick laughs a little. “Waiting for marriage? Didn’t peg you for the religious type.” 

“No,” Karl huffs. “I’m asexual. If that changes anything…” He trails off awkwardly.

Nick turns to look him in the eye. 

“You’re still you.” He repeats. “I don’t care. I’d still want you just the same.”

Yawning, Karl turns over, setting his spoon in the empty ice cream container on the desk next to him.

“I guess we should go on a date, right? Isn’t that the next step?” Karl mumbles.

Drifting into sleep, he hears a faint, “You betcha.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayo they kissed  
> theyre in love your honor  
> ALSO LMK DO YOU GUYS WANT THE PLAYLIST FOR THIS FIC BC I HAVE ONE :)


End file.
